Have you ever struggled with making Dutch friends? In that case, you’re not alone.
I remember when I first moved to the Netherlands, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find “my people.” I had heard that the Dutch are notoriously direct, and this didn’t exactly make it sound like they were easy to befriend. Thankfully, I was able to make friends, both Dutch and international. In this blog, I’ll talk about my own experiences, and I’ll share some tips that my friend, Veerle (a Dutchie herself), has for international students who want to make friends with the locals.
One of my first ever experiences with the Dutch was over WhatsApp. Let me set the scene: it was my first year of uni and I wasn’t even in the Netherlands, thanks to COVID. Since I was a first-year student, I was assigned to a mentor group consisting of other first-year students from my programme, as well as a student mentor. I was added to the WhatsApp group chat of my mentor group and was suddenly confronted with the most typically-Dutch, yet for me, extremely foreign-sounding names like Sipke and Jet. It was somewhat ironic that the person who introduced me to Dutch directness was the person with the least Dutch-sounding name in the group chat. Her name was Samantha, and she was the first Dutchie who made me cry.
Maybe this is a good moment for me to admit that I am quite an emotional person. Looking back at it now, I don’t think that what happened was that big of a deal and if it were to happen now, I definitely would not react the way I did then. One of my classmates in the WhatsApp group chat had asked for someone to share their notes from the lecture, so me and a couple of other people sent their notes. Samantha complimented me on my notes because they were so neat. And because I wanted her to like me, I replied with something like: “Your notes are so much neater!” She texted back: “No, they are not. Yours are nicer.” You might be thinking: Yeah, so? What’s the problem with that? That’s exactly what I’m thinking now. But in that moment, I felt attacked in some way. She and I both knew that my notes were neater, but I was pretending that they weren’t because I wanted her to like me.
Being from Turkey and Cyprus, I was raised in a culture where people-pleasing is the norm, and every day is a battle of who can be the nicest. People are careful not to step on each other’s toes or say the “wrong” thing. Coming from this kind of background, I didn’t think I would ever be able to make any Dutch friends because of how unapologetically direct the Dutch are. But I couldn’t be more wrong. I made Dutch friends (yes, more than one!) and Samantha is actually one of them. When I told her about the WhatsApp incident when I met her in person, we had a good laugh about it. She said she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings and that she didn’t even notice she was being so direct. Samantha’s tip when approaching Dutchies is to be “chill, down to earth and direct.” She wants us internationals to know that most of the time, Dutch people are not trying to be rude, even though it may sometimes come across that way. In my experience, Dutch directness is something you can get used to and even grow to love. I have definitely become more direct since moving to the Netherlands. Now, if I don’t like something, I’ll say it, directly - like the Dutch.
Another one of my really close Dutch friends, Veerle, has tips for international students who want to make Dutch friends. She recommends to:
- Be active in your study association! Student associations (different from study associations) are sometimes Dutch-only (boooo), but study associations barely ever are!
- Join a student association that's open to internationals, like sports, games, or other more niche associations.
- Think outside of the student world: there are so many organizations/communities that organize social events that are not limited to students.
- Mingle, mingle, mingle! (Almost) everyone loves making new friends! Put yourself out there and try to make concrete plans: invite people over for dinner, go get drinks, or organize a study session.
- A lot of people love learning about different cultures. Teach your new Dutch friends about yours and let them do the same: do food exchanges, have movie nights with movies in your respective languages, etc.
- Teach yourself some Dutch words, like lekker, gezellig, or goedemorgen, as a way to break the ice. You don't have to be perfect at all! Many Dutchies get super enthusiastic if someone even attempts to learn the language (and we'd love to help you learn!)
I think it’s also really important to remember that Dutch people are people too!!! They may also feel nervous to approach you, or to speak in English. I’ve had this before where a Dutch person will say to me: “I’m sorry for barely speaking to you, I just don’t feel that confident in my English-speaking abilities.” I think the most important thing is that you’re both trying. You’re both putting in the effort to understand and connect with each other. That’s the right way to make friends, including Dutch ones!
